


Green With Envy

by RenaRoo



Series: Sapphic September [15]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/F, Sapphic September, dealing with grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 16:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenaRoo/pseuds/RenaRoo
Summary: It’s when they spend time together, just the two of them, that Emily Grey can focus all her attention on Carolina for the first time. There’s no distractions, no projects, only the woman ini front of her. And there are fascinating things about Carolina, beautiful things. And she can’t believe she’s never noticed them before. CarolinaxGrey. Sapphic September: Eyes.





	Green With Envy

**Author's Note:**

> This is a few months after the ending of Season 13 and obviously there’s a lot of aftermath to Epsilon’s sacrifice I’m glossing over here but I definitely think of my girl Carolina when a prompt like “Eyes” comes up so here we go, CarolinaxGrey for the win

“Come on in!” Doctor Grey sang out, anxious for her next appointment. Even though she fully knew who it was and had a decent idea of how it would go, there was a bit of pep in her step whenever Agent Carolina was around.

After all, the Freelancer and her had bonded quite a bit traveling against time and all obstacles on their road trip with Caboose and Tucker. At the very least it would be nice to see her and catch up. If nothing more.

And in the days after the final defeat of Charon Industries and the fleet of pirates that had been waged against them, they had not had nearly enough time to see each other again and rekindle the friendship which Doctor Grey appreciated oh so very much.

Agent Carolina opened the door, as to be expected when someone was told to come on in, a very normal response. Nothing to read into. But she was still in her full armor and dressed like even with her new repairs and additional cosmetic touch ups, she was ready for another battle at any moment.  _That_ , even by the perpetually at war Chorusian standards, was a touch of the abnormal, and earned a subtly raised eyebrow in Carolina’s position.

“It is is usually not a good sign for my patients’ mental evaluations that they hide their faces behind a mask from me, Carolina,” Grey informed her.

“I would think that your time with those of us from Project Freelancer would have taught you that there’s nothing  _usual_ about any of us, Doctor,” Carolina reminded her, walking further into the room and taking a seat as the door closed behind her. “What do I have to do to get a pass for this?”

“Normally, to pass psychological evaluation, it would involve you being psychologically sound,” Doctor Grey answered coyly. She smiled softly at her friend. “And, please, Carolina, I’ve told you before you could call me Emily.”

“You’re really going to make me jump through all these hoops?” Carolina sighed, collapsing into the chair more in defeat than in relief. “I’ve been coming to you since the beginning. I never missed an appointment.”

“Punctuality is not necessarily a sign of mental fortitude,” Doctor Grey reminded her. “And I agreed to do this session with you precisely because I know that you are very much in  _need_ of grief counseling. Let us not forget who came to who here.”

Carolina let out a long sigh, looking away from the doctor. “You want me to take my helmet off?”

“Do you want to take your helmet off?” Doctor Grey asked curiously.

“What answer is a sign of  _mental fortitude?”_ Carolina asked back, rolling her helmeted head back to looking directly in Doctor Grey’s direction.

“What do you believe is the answer to that?” Doctor Grey asked.

With a long sigh, Carolina reached up, unclasped her helmet just beneath the lines of her jaw, then slowly removed her signature helmet in order to give Doctor Grey a full look at the helmet head beneath. But also the paleness, the ashen look to her cheeks, the deep rings that circled her eyes and the unkempt way her face was framed by lengthening bangs. A picture of health and mental fortitude she was not.

“Oh, dear,” Doctor Grey sighed, getting up from her chair and walking around her desk in order to take the seat beside Carolina.

“The right answer was to leave it on then?” Carolina attempted at humor.

“The right answer is to be honest with me about why you felt you needed these private sessions with me after a few months of avoiding going to the general grief counseling sessions I have been having for all the Reds and Blues,” Doctor Grey lightly scolded.

“Do I  _look_ like a Red or Blue?” Carolina demanded, looking at Grey with that same haunted, exhausted expression of grief she had already seen on the others so very often.

“Absolutely,” Grey responded without hesitation.

Carolina kept a level glare in Grey’s direction for a moment before cracking a smile and running her fingers through her hair, shaking her head. “Yeah. Heh. I… I am. I’m one of them and I didn’t even spend that much time trying to…” She stopped herself, eyes closing tightly as her chapped lips pressed to a thin, straight line. “I never expected to have a family. I never had one long enough to know what to expect. So every time I would get close to a bunch of people, every time I’d take the lead of some clueless morons ready to serve a purpose even if it was only for themselves… I would think —  _hey, this is it. This is what people are supposed to do together. This is how it’s supposed to feel.”_ Her eyes then shifted to Grey, darkened. “And it was always  _just at that point_ that we’d watch it all go to hell. Because that’s just how it happens, right? That’s just what you get when you let your guard down and think you’re finally relating to other people.”

Grey frowned, crossing her hands on her lap. “I wouldn’t say that in my experience that’s the case. No. But it seems that your experiences have helped you to believe that. Do you think you could explain why you believe that now? Why you think that about the Reds and Blues, even though you and Agent Washington all came together and saved an entire planet full of people?”

For a moment, Carolina just looked surprised by the question, then annoyed. “They’re all in grief counseling together,” she said, disgusted, like it was supposed to mean something.”All of them. Over  _Epsilon.”_

Burying her own surprise at the declaration, Grey tilted her head and looked at Carolina seriously. “And you were invited to these sessions too, I believe. You declined.”

“Of course I declined,” Carolina answered, throwing her hands in the air.

“But wouldn’t you say that’s odd? That it’s abnormal for you, of all of them, to not want help grieving over Epsilon. Especially since the two of you spent so much time together and proved to be incredibly close?” Grey pressed.

“That’s  _why_ I declined,” Carolina argued, looking Grey’s way. “They… Their  _grief_ is not my grief. They loved him and they miss him. But I… Emily, he was my  _brother._ What he left me was… Was the last opportunity I had to feel like the family that I lost and the family I gained could be one and the same after all. None of them have to know what that feels like.” Her green eyes then sharply turned back to Doctor Grey. They shined with a carefully controlled emotion. “I lost Epsilon. I lost a brother. And I lost the very last chance I had to make a dent in the fucked up way I had to bury and make amends to my childhood. That’s too much. That’s…  _too unrelatable._ Even for Red and Blues. I wish… I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could just. Be with them and tell them that, hey, I hurt, too. It’s the same. But that’s a lie. It’s not the same. And I’m sick of lying.”

Biting her lip, Grey let the silence hang between them for just a moment longer, knowing better than to interfere with the genuine expression that was being shown. But once Carolina’s breathing evened out and the opportunity for being reached out to was clear again, Grey reached forward and gently laid a hand on Carolina’s shoulder.

Those green eyes snapped back up at her.

“You’re right. No one can know fully what you’re going through or how you feel after all of this heartache,” Grey agreed, scooting closer and taking her hands from Carolina’s shoulders in order to place them instead on the Freelancer’s hands. “And maybe you know yourself well enough to know that a group therapy with the others wasn’t going to work. But… seeing you like this. Seeing you so hurt, Carolina, it’s breaking my heart too. In a very unprofessional way. So, even if it’s not a psychologist’s approach, I want to ask you… do you need someone to hold you now? Someone to remind you that just because others had a relationship with your… with  _Epsilon_ , that it doesn’t make your grief or your feelings any less? Because I want to be that person for you if you need it.”

“I need,” Carolina said almost without hesitation. “I do, Emily. I need it.”

And like that, they both sank to the floor, Doctor Grey holding Carolina in her arms and pressing soft kisses on her clammy forehead, running hands through her messy hair, while Carolina silently buried her face against Emily and heaved quietly.

“I’m so damn selfish,” she coughed against Doctor Grey.

“Grief makes us lots of things, makes us covet what could have been and what wasn’t,” Emily assured her softly. “But you’re not selfish, Carolina. You’re not.”

When Carolina managed to look up to Doctor Grey again, there was a new shine to her green eyes, more life, more possibility. And that enough was worth it all.


End file.
